Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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