How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
