I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
