This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
