Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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