worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
