Everything about him screamed your future.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
