Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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