Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
