fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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