I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
