Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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