I'm really into asian looking animals
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
