I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
