Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
