He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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