All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
