I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
