Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
