I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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