When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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