Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need to calm my uterus...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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