So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
