im six kinds of drunk right now
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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