Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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