I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
