Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
