"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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