I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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