Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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