I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
