i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
