Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
