it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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