I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
