had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
