Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
