OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm sobbing to NWA
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
