The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
