dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
