It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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