dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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