I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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