I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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