I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
