I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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