All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
