I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
