Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
