Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Are we still banned from the library?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
